Top Ten Changes if Disney purchased the Star Trek Franchise

10) Crew members now spontaneously break into song
9) Khan now played by Tim Allen ("More POWER, damn you! Arr-uh-uh-uh...")
8) Leeta the Dabo girl now played by Jessica Rabbit
7) All ships now rendered in computer animation
6) Shatner's toupee now rendered in computer animation
5) Price of Tribbles now $75.00 a pop
4) Laboratory mouse in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan now a cameo appearance by Mickey
3) "Flying Dumbo" ride at Disneyland replaced by "Flying Voyager" ride
2) Klingons now considered too "dark"...will begin wearing bright red shorts and big white gloves
And the Number One Change if Disney purchased the Star Trek Franchise...
1) Two words: Jadzia Ducks

 

Top Ten changes to Star Trek: First Contact if the Borg Queen had been played by Martha Stewart:

10) She has 47% of the Enterprise converted to Hydroponics
9) New Borg catch phrase: "Resistance is futile. Assimilation is A Good Thing"
8) Assimilated crew members use any spare time they might have to dust
7) She hand-weaves new shielding for the Borg Cube using nothing but some white thread, scrap muslin, and Bev and Deanna's discarded padded bras
6) She insists all ship's graphic displays are to be hand-stenciled
5) Instead of wanting Picard to become Locutus again, all she really wants to do is show Patrick the lovely and elaborate cross-stitched sampler she made tracing the Stewart family tree back 47 generations
4) After blowing on Data's arm instead of "Was it good for you?, she asks "Was it A Good Thing for you?"
3) Borg oozing gore now used for lubricating gardening tools
2) Data's various appendages will now slice, dice, mince, chop, mix, blend, puree, julienne...
And the Number One change to Star Trek:First Contact if the Borg Queen had been played by Martha Stewart...
1) Leftover non-Borg parts of assimilated crew members, when hollowed out and gaily hand-painted -and with candles inserted- give a warm inviting glow to Engineering

 

TOP TEN NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10) HARRY KIM: I WILL develop a personality! I WILL develop a personality!...
9) BRANNON BRAGA: No more “Reset Button” episodes!
9) BRANNON BRAGA: No more “Reset Button” episodes!
9) BRANNON BRAGA: No more “Reset Button” episodes!
9) BRANNON BRAGA: No more “Reset Button” episodes!
9) BRANNON BRAGA: No more “Reset Button” episodes!
8) THE DOMINION: Earth Or Bust!
7) GUL DUKAT: Return those stupid “I ‘Heart’ Bajor” boxer shorts Kira sent me for Christmas!
6) SPECIES 8472: Spend more time posing as the gruff but lovable Ray Walston!
5) RIKER: More bubble baths with Troi! Definitely more bubble baths with Troi!!
4) BILL SHATNER: I do hereby solemnly vow to take my hair out for a walk at least once a week.
3) SPOCK: Resolutions are illogical.
2) JADZIA: Well, I’ve given it quite a bit of thought and careful consideration...Basically, my plan for the upcoming year is to REMAIN DEAD!
AND THE NUMBER ONE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE...
1) MORN: Drink more, talk less!

 

TOP 10 WORST STARFLEET NAMES AND REGISTRIES

10. U.S.S. Answer NCC 42
9. U.S.S. Pickup NCC 52
8. U.S.S. Satan NCC 666
7. U.S.S. Friday NCC 13-8
6. U.S.S. Oldsmobile NCC 442
5. U.S.S. James Bond NCC 007
4. U.S.S. Rescue NCC 911
3. U.S.S. Ivory NCC 99 44/100
2. U.S.S. George Orwell NCC 1984
and the #1 Worst Starship name and registry
1. U.S.S. Beverly Hills NCC 90210

 

TOP TEN 24th CENTURY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

10. "Hi, I'm not in the system right now....."
9. "Hello. This is Lieutenant Commander Data, and I am not less perfect than Lore. Please leave a message on my positronic answering machine."
8. "This is Odo...I'm in my bucket right now, but if you'll leave a message..."
7. "You have engaged my machine. Please make it so I can hear your message when I return"
6. "Qa'pla! Leave the message of a warrior!! "
5. "Hi, this is the Borg...we're not taking any calls right now, but if you'll leave the name and coordinates of your planet, we'll conquer and assimilate you as soon as possible."
4. "You have reached Admiral Saavik. Leave a message."
3. "This is the residence of Ambassador Spock. I am presently on Romulus, where I expect to spend the rest of my life."
2. "Zizqat. Pecnjne asdncw venderkret. Mooshj"
1. "Hailing frequencies open!!"

 

Top Ten tourism slogans in the Star Trek Universe

10. Betazed: We Know You Want To Come Here
9. In the Demilitarized Zone Colonies, there's never a dull moment!
8. Ski for your life on Rura Penthe
7. Nimbus III: Fan Dance Capital of the Quadrant
6. Visit Vulcan
5. Cardassia Prime, Where The Trains Run on Time
4. Risa: Bring your Horgon
3. If you don't have a good time on Qo'Nos, we'll kick the crap out of you!
2. The Oomarian Nebula: Thirty Million Gallons of Founders Can't Be Wrong
1. Romulus: Everything you've heard about us is Jolan Tru!

 

Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S Enterprise

10) "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" 
9) "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8) "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7) "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6) "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5) "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 
4) "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3) "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2) "We brake for cubes!"
1) "Wesley On Board!" 
 

SIGNS THE ENTERPRISE IS NEARING THE END OF IT'S WARRANTY

 21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
 20) Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
 19) Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
 18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
 17) Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
 16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
 15) Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
 14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10- forward.
 13) Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
 12) Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
 11) Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
 10) Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
  9) Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
  8) Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
  7) Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
  6) Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
  5) Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
  4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it."
  3) Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to women's volleyball program.
  2) Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
  1) Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
 

The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise

10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing!"

 

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE

  • Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
  • Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
  • Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
  • More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
  • Have figured out the stardate system
  • Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
  • Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
  • The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
  • Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
  • Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
  • Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
  • Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
  • Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
  • Understanding Klingon
  • Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
  • Playing fizzbin and understanding it
  • "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
  • Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
  • Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
  • More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
  • You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7.
  • You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
  • You tried to join the navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
  • Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
  • You went to San Francisco to see of you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking of a whale.
  • Your college thesis was a comparison of the illustrious careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
  • You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say, "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
  • You have no life.
  • You recognize more than four references on this list.
  • You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
  • The UPS guy hands you his electronic clipboard and you're tempted to call him the "Captain's Yeoman" as you sign it.
  • Phrases like 'sentient being' start creeping into your speech patterns.
  • When you find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower and you know *all* the words.
  • You start practicing raising one eyebrow in front of a mirror.
  • Someone tells a joke and your only comment is: "Humor, a difficult concept"
  • You flip open your cellular phone and expect to hear it "chirp."
  • You always win the free slice of pizza at the local pizza place when they have Star Trek trivia questions.
  • You ask local pet stores if they stock tribbles . . and if they're neutered.
  • You find yourself executing the "Picard Maneuver."
  • You get on an elevator full of people and have to catch yourself before you tell it what floor you want.
  • You walk to the microwave and start to order dinner.
  • Sitting in traffic you seriously start wondering why you're using this primitive form of transportation.
  • After seeing a news story about a police shooting you wonder, for a moment, why they just didn't set it on stun.
  • You get upset when you go to get a vanity plate and find that WARPSPD has already been taken.
  • You see a car with a Starfleet Academy sticker and it seems perfectly normal.
  • You avoid all stores that carry Trek merchandise for fear that someone will find out about your 'addiction'. :-)
  • Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops.
  • All babies start to remind you of Jean-Luc Picard.
  • You drive by a used car lot and start looking for Ferengi
  • You start watching commercials because so many Trek alumni are doing the voice-overs.
  • You know you watch too much Trek when someone asks you to quote some Shakespeare and you do it in Klingon.
  • You start making lists of the signs that you've been watching too much Trek!