This is a funny bit of humor I downloaded from AOL. I thought my web page could use a little more Star Trek humor ( ... more?), and I'll just paste it here for your viewing pleasure. It's written by David Nurenberg, and some of these are pretty hilarious. Unfortunately, it apparently was writting a year or so ago, so some of it is a little out of date. (But it's still funny, nonetheless.) If you have some to add, e-mail me, and I'd be happy to add some on to the end. (Just please try to keep it clean ...)


Sure, we all know the ENTERPRISE was sent on a 5-year mission to boldly go where no man/woman/alien/lawyer has gone before, but has anyone ever wondered what the other 2000 or so ships in Starfleet are doing? I mean, the galaxy's a pretty big place, and since ships named ENTERPRISE seem to have a nasty habit of being blown up, the Federation needs a hefty reserve force. For the first time, we present:
FROM THE SECRET FILES OF STARFLEET: THE OTHER 1,999 FEDERATION STARSHIPS (or at least 70 some-odd of them)

By David Nurenberg, author of the world-famous Star Trek Superiority Series and the 1995 USENET Fan Fiction-Award-Winning Comparative Commanders' Analysis.

Please distribute like crazy, and feel free to add on to the end.

USS DOLE: A rather old ship, one warp nacelle isn't functioning, and there's some corrosion in the lower decks. Despite this, the captain still wants to try and get it named Flagship for next year.

USS GRAHAM: Aborted a mission of its own to fly behind the USS DOLE>

USS GINGRICH: A previously unheard of vessel, it has recently gone rogue and is destroying all medical ships it can find.

USS BUCHANAN: Like the GINGRICH, it's gone rogue, and its captain wants to make the Federation great again by wiping out any and all nonhumans - not exactly the principles Starfleet wishes to uphold.

USS CLINTON: Concluding a four year mission to collect taxes from Federation worlds, pending renewal for another four. Its crew means well, but can't seem to find the right controls. Should stop negotiating when it should be firing phasers.

USS PEROT: Started on a mission, then vanished without a trace, only to mysteriously re-appear. No one's heard much from it lately.

USS FARAKAN: Has a crew of one million. I said, one millioin, dammit!

USS GATES: Keeps discovering new technologies and driving Starfleet nuts, as the admirals try to keep up with the constant upgrading.

USS WINDOWS: We haven't heard from it in a while ... we think it crashed.

USS MAC: A really sleek and attractive ship that unfortunately blew up a while back. Something went wrong and the crew discovered to their horror that nothing aboard was user-serviceable.

USS FREUD: What do YOU think its mission was? What makes you say that?

USS DURKHEIM: Everyone aboard mysteriously committed suicide.

USS MARX: The crew mutinied.

USS BURNS: Like the USS CLARK, it's been operating for centuries now, to everyone's amazement.

USS DALI: Flew too close to a sun and melted all funny.

USS WOLVERINE: It's the best it is at the missions it does.

USS HARVARD: Very small crew, everyone tries to get posted there, but few are accepted.

USS YALE: Used to be like the USS HARVARD until it was assigned to patrol a war zone - now applications for transfers have dwindled significantly.

USS SMITH: Very attractive ship, but be careful - get too close and you'll get blasted with phasers and torpedoes.

USS BRANDEIS: Performs no missions on Saturdays.

USS DARTMOUTH: Someone modified the warp core to run on booze.

USS BARD: Someone modified the warp core to run on marijuana.

USS FEDERAL GOVT: Someone modified the warp core to run on empty.

USS MULDER: Searches for the truth ... it's out there, somewhere!

USS SCULLY: Searches for a rational, scientific explanation for everything it finds.

USS RONALD REGAN: Someone wiped its memory banks clean.

USS NANCY REAGAN: Uses astrological signs to navigate.

USS HILLARY CLINTON: Occasionally takes over the USS BILL CLINTON's missions - and handles them a lot better!

USS YELTZIN: A Klingon ship that keeps trying to convince Starfleet that it's a Federation ship, or wants to be.

USS PENTIUM: Tried to split into saucer and battledrive sections, but keeps dividing incorrectly.

USS PENTIUM PRO: Actually flies slower than the USS PENTIUM.

USS JACKSON: Is always in drydock being refitted and modified. The captain prefers a young crew.

USS MEATLOAF: Would do anything for Starfleet ... but it won't do that.

USS BOLTON: Sonic attack! Sonic attack!

USS PRESLEY: We thought it was destroyed years ago, but reports come in daily from ships that sight it.

USS SONDHEIM: Merrily it warps along, warps along ...

USS FUDD: It's Klingon season! It's Romulan season! No, it's Klingon season! No, it's Romulan season!

USS KEVORKIAN: Activates the self-destruct systems of older or damaged ships.

USS ZIMMERMAN: The Tholians have been trying to imprison it in a web for years, but it's got Pretty Good shields and is holding out ...

USS ENERGIZER: Keeps going and going and going ...

USS BARNEY: Starfleet APB - if you see this big purple ship, destroy it on sight!

USS LENO: Continuing the mission of the now-decommissioned USS CARSON.

USS LETTERMAN: The world's most dangerous ship.

USS LIMBAUGH: A construction mistake - it's too big and bulky to move anywhere, so its only method of attack is to sit in place and clutter the subspace channels with harmful chatter.

USS SEINFELD: Did you ever notice this ship?

USS WINFREY: First it was a light cruiser, then it got converted into a heavy one, then retrofitted to be a light cruiser again ...

USS TYSON: An unstoppable superdreadnought that kept ramming itself into asteroids. Just released from holding dock after attacking innocents.

USS OLSON AND USS OLSON II: Cuteness ray! Aaaahh! Turn it off!

USS BERGEN: Discovered the secret to subspace communications for only a dime, now won't shut up about it.

USS GUMP: But most people call it the USS GUMP. A shrimp transport.

USS MOFFET: Actually four ships. We'll pay the Klingons to destroy them.

USS KOSTNER: Last seen orbiting a water planet, caught in a money-draining field.

USS HANKS: Sector 001, we have a problem ...

USS KERRIGAN: Recovering from damage to its nacelle struts.

USS HARDING: Its warp coils became untied ... can it do its mission over again from the beginning, pleeeeeease?

USS BURGESS: What'll the mission be then, eh?

USS HEMINGWAY: An alcohol transport.

USS GRANT: The guy on the $50 bill.

USS KENT: Seemingly a mild-mannered scow, it is really a super-warship with powers far beyond those of mortal vessels ...

USS DITKA: Defends ... Da Federation.

USS REEVES: Alright, punk, pop quiz - there's a bomb on your ship that'll blow it to shreds if it travels at less than Warp 5. What do you do? What do you do?

MORE??? Welcome to suggestions ...

Please keep in mind ... as the author of this web page, this bit of humor does not reflect my opinions on the subject matters referred to. And I am not posting this on my website for any degradational purposes, and I'm assuming it wasn't written to be either ... it's just that I think the world could use a bit of humor once in a while.


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