|USS DOLE: A rather old ship, one
warp nacelle isn't functioning, and there's some corrosion in the
lower decks. Despite this, the captain still wants to try and get
it named Flagship for next year.
USS GRAHAM: Aborted a mission of
its own to fly behind the USS DOLE>
USS GINGRICH: A previously
unheard of vessel, it has recently gone rogue and is destroying
all medical ships it can find.
USS BUCHANAN: Like the GINGRICH,
it's gone rogue, and its captain wants to make the Federation
great again by wiping out any and all nonhumans - not exactly the
principles Starfleet wishes to uphold.
USS CLINTON: Concluding a four
year mission to collect taxes from Federation worlds, pending
renewal for another four. Its crew means well, but can't seem to
find the right controls. Should stop negotiating when it should
be firing phasers.
USS PEROT: Started on a mission,
then vanished without a trace, only to mysteriously re-appear. No
one's heard much from it lately.
USS FARAKAN: Has a crew of one
million. I said, one millioin, dammit!
USS GATES: Keeps discovering new
technologies and driving Starfleet nuts, as the admirals try to
keep up with the constant upgrading.
USS WINDOWS: We haven't heard
from it in a while ... we think it crashed.
USS MAC: A really sleek and
attractive ship that unfortunately blew up a while back.
Something went wrong and the crew discovered to their horror that
nothing aboard was user-serviceable.
USS FREUD: What do YOU think its
mission was? What makes you say that?
USS DURKHEIM: Everyone aboard
mysteriously committed suicide.
USS MARX: The crew
USS BURNS: Like the USS CLARK,
it's been operating for centuries now, to everyone's
USS DALI: Flew too close to a sun
and melted all funny.
USS WOLVERINE: It's the best it
is at the missions it does.
USS HARVARD: Very small crew,
everyone tries to get posted there, but few are
USS YALE: Used to be like the USS
HARVARD until it was assigned to patrol a war zone - now
applications for transfers have dwindled
USS SMITH: Very attractive ship,
but be careful - get too close and you'll get blasted with
phasers and torpedoes.
USS BRANDEIS: Performs no
missions on Saturdays.
USS DARTMOUTH: Someone modified
the warp core to run on booze.
USS BARD: Someone modified the
warp core to run on marijuana.
USS FEDERAL GOVT: Someone
modified the warp core to run on empty.
USS MULDER: Searches for the
truth ... it's out there, somewhere!
USS SCULLY: Searches for a
rational, scientific explanation for everything it
USS RONALD REGAN: Someone wiped
its memory banks clean.
USS NANCY REAGAN: Uses
astrological signs to navigate.
USS HILLARY CLINTON: Occasionally
takes over the USS BILL CLINTON's missions - and handles them a
USS YELTZIN: A Klingon ship that
keeps trying to convince Starfleet that it's a Federation ship,
or wants to be.
USS PENTIUM: Tried to split into
saucer and battledrive sections, but keeps dividing
USS PENTIUM PRO: Actually flies
slower than the USS PENTIUM.
USS JACKSON: Is always in drydock
being refitted and modified. The captain prefers a young
USS MEATLOAF: Would do anything
for Starfleet ... but it won't do that.
USS BOLTON: Sonic attack! Sonic
USS PRESLEY: We thought it was
destroyed years ago, but reports come in daily from ships that
USS SONDHEIM: Merrily it warps
along, warps along ...
USS FUDD: It's Klingon season!
It's Romulan season! No, it's Klingon season! No, it's Romulan
USS KEVORKIAN: Activates the
self-destruct systems of older or damaged ships.
USS ZIMMERMAN: The Tholians have
been trying to imprison it in a web for years, but it's got
Pretty Good shields and is holding out ...
USS ENERGIZER: Keeps going and
going and going ...
USS BARNEY: Starfleet APB - if
you see this big purple ship, destroy it on sight!
USS LENO: Continuing the mission
of the now-decommissioned USS CARSON.
USS LETTERMAN: The world's most
USS LIMBAUGH: A construction
mistake - it's too big and bulky to move anywhere, so its only
method of attack is to sit in place and clutter the subspace
channels with harmful chatter.
USS SEINFELD: Did you ever notice
USS WINFREY: First it was a light
cruiser, then it got converted into a heavy one, then retrofitted
to be a light cruiser again ...
USS TYSON: An unstoppable
superdreadnought that kept ramming itself into asteroids. Just
released from holding dock after attacking innocents.
USS OLSON AND USS OLSON II:
Cuteness ray! Aaaahh! Turn it off!
USS BERGEN: Discovered the secret
to subspace communications for only a dime, now won't shut up
USS GUMP: But most people call it
the USS GUMP. A shrimp transport.
USS MOFFET: Actually four ships.
We'll pay the Klingons to destroy them.
USS KOSTNER: Last seen orbiting a
water planet, caught in a money-draining field.
USS HANKS: Sector 001, we have a
USS KERRIGAN: Recovering from
damage to its nacelle struts.
USS HARDING: Its warp coils
became untied ... can it do its mission over again from the
USS BURGESS: What'll the mission
be then, eh?
USS HEMINGWAY: An alcohol
USS GRANT: The guy on the $50
USS KENT: Seemingly a
mild-mannered scow, it is really a super-warship with powers far
beyond those of mortal vessels ...
USS DITKA: Defends ... Da
USS REEVES: Alright, punk, pop
quiz - there's a bomb on your ship that'll blow it to shreds if
it travels at less than Warp 5. What do you do? What do you